I haven’t been blogging because I hate this blog. There. I said it. THIS BLOG MAKES ME CRAZY. It is annoying (like me), neurotic (like me), and damn unfunny (unlike me). I’ve written enough “I can’t find my voice” posts to sink a damn battleship.

The strange thing is that I have a few “fitness buddies,” with whom I exchange emails privately. I love the emails I send them! They are funny. Eloquent. Feminist. Honest. Yes, neurotic too.

While I’m figuring things out (and freaking out about a possible furlough at work), here are some links I’ve liked over the past few days:

Food is cheaper because costs are “externalized”. Marion Nestle’s excellent explanation for how American food stays so cheap compared to the rest of the world. Do you not read Food Politics? You should!

Lentil Loaf, on Feed Me I’m Cranky. I’m making this for dinner tonight! Oh, protein, I miss you so!

Free-Market Solutions for Overweight Americans. Matt Ridley examens healthy living vouchers as a solution for obesity. I’m not convinced, as better and universal access to healthy foods, health care, and education would do largely the same thing, but with much less cost and negative externalities. Oh, I’m sorry, is my progressive showing?

Reddit is awesome. I’m a longtime lurker, but the most recent 90daysgoal got me active and posting. NERD CRED LEVEL 1000 RESTORED.

What is /r/90daysgoal?

90 days at a time, over a thousand redditers make a committment to get fit! We post daily updates, track our weight, calorie intake, and/or exercise, and encourage each other along the way. There’s a focus on fitness over weight loss and no judgement. It’s a bunch of socially inept computer geeks figuring out how to be a little bit healthier, 90 days at a time.

We’re starting the 2nd week, and it’s been a huge incentive for me.

Other positive news

Movie night and brunch w/ work colleagues were both a blast over the weekend. I’m a bit uncertain about the work-life-balance upset that comes from partying with my coworkers all the time, but hey! I did it in college, so why not in Benin too?

Everytime I’ve opened my mouth about exercise or losing weight over the past few days, at least two other women have chimed in to say “me too!” I get the impression everybody’s desperate to talk about it, but weirded out by (or shy about) doing so. And every man listening has weighed in with his opinion on our workouts or weight loss strategies. Hmmm. This has given me quite a bit of food for thought.

I have a lunch date tomorrow with a friend. We’re going to a fancy-schmancy French restaurant (YES I WILL TAKE PICTURES I SWEAR). Tomorrow’s the last day we can go because I’m giving up meat for lent, and as my friend recently discovered, this restaurant doesn’t do vegetarian. I’m going to the gym before work tomorrow to make up for the damage. YUM!

There are some weird politics and power games going on at work. I don’t like politics or power games, which puts me in kind of a weird position as a (very competent!) local hire. I do very well, not because I know how to play the game, but because I work hard and always consider the effects of my actions on others. Almost a year into the job, I’m still processing this change in my outlook.

Are there any seemingly ordinary things that are making you happy these days?

Last week, I decided to stop hiding my efforts to live healthier. Today, I said it was about health and not being skinny. LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE.

It’s about no longer being the fattest person in the room.
It’s about those awful pitying looks I get when I talk about eating cleanly and healthily.
It’s about the links between obesity and infertility.
It’s about wanting to run a 5K, a 10K, and why the hell not a half marathon?
It’s about not wanting to walk around in my bathing suit, not because I’m embarrassed, but because others will be embarrassed for me.
It’s about being tired of reclaiming words like “fat,” and making it OK to talk about losing weight.
It’s about having more energy and being fit enough to do what I want with my life.

Indeed. Indeed.

I’ve been blogging here on himynameistheresa for almost a year now, and I still haven’t found my voice. I’m still not comfortable talking about food and fitness. I still wonder if blogging here makes me look like a basketcase or just very very young.

Anyway. I’m happy to hear that my colleagues at work are reading (but not commenting! c’mon, guys!). Knowing that all of my streams are irreversibly crossed makes all of this easier. Everyone knows I’m on a diet, I’m trying to lose weight, and that I want to be fit (and run a half marathon! yeah!). And hey! If I make it a little bit more normal to talk about this stuff, even better!

P.S. Now that everyone’s reading, nobody freak out that I’m carrying my camera everywhere (except where I can’t, of course).

Nothin’ like starting the day right with delicious oatmeal and coffee. It’s usually too dark to get a good picture before I leave for work, but over the weekend? Perfect sunlight falls on Bertrand’s desk around 7:30 each morning. Continue reading →

I am fucking accomplished in every other area of my life. Why can’t I control what I put in my mouth? And why do I order a second demi-carafe of wine when I know I’m going to regret the calories the next morning?

A colleague whom I respect greatly made an offhand comment to me about being on a diet. She’s an accomplished leader, mother, cook, superwoman. If she’s not embarassed to admit in public that she’s watching her weight, WTF should I?

I could use some encouragement and accountability. I’m struggling (clearly), but I’m still unwilling to go back to posting daily calories. This is a public blog, and because it doubles as a food and recipe blog, I’m not interested in sharing my failures with my coworkers and distant friends. I have enlisted my husband in a minor way, but I’m sure I can do better.

I do not like how society normalizes behaviors that are disordered in skinny people but encouraged for us fatties.

Today I got up early to write and work. Tomorrow, I’m going to get up 30-minutes earlier to walk and then write. It’ll only give me 30 minutes, but the sunshine is now so hot after work that it’s miserable walking home. Even right now, before dawn, it’s humid and uncomfortable.

Oh, rainy season, you are miserable.

I didn’t actually get up because I wanted to write. I got up because my cat’s developed a strange habit of crying and whining every day at 5:15. She’ll go on until we get up, even if we don’t get up until 6:30. Net effect? Bertrand and I stay in bed, but we don’t actually get any extra sleep.

The experiment? Is the cat lonely? Begging for food? Begging for attention? Just cranky? Turns out, she just wants one of us out of bed. It doesn’t matter who it is. It doesn’t matter whether we pay attention to her or not. She’s decided that it’s time for someone to wake-up and by God, we’d better wake up. Once someone’s up, the noise stops.

Bertrand’s been burning the midnight oil lately, so I figured I’d experiment w/ the cat <em>and</em> let him get a little bit extra sleep this morning.

Am I awesome or what?